The number of people who pick up the phone

Former fiancee says NBA's Jason Collins kept her in the dark

Carolyn Moos says she had no idea why the NBA veteran called off their engagement in 2009 until a Sports Illustrated article published in April named Collins as the first active athlete to come out as gay in the major sports.

In a piece titled "Jason Collins Is My Ex-Fiancé And I Had No Idea He Was Gay", Moos told US Cosmopolitan that she was frustrated the Washington Wizards player had ignored her since the Sports Illustrated story came out.

"A month before I was set to marry the man I loved, he called off the wedding. I had no idea why," Moos said in the August issue of magazine.

"He and I had been together for eight years. We had planned to have children, build a family. Nearly four years later, I got my answer.

"Jason told me he's gay over the phone on a Monday morning in April, the same day the magazine hit newsstands. However, he didn't mention the article - that came as a surprise when I heard about it from a friend."

NBA centre Jason Collins came out in April, becoming the first openly gay active player in major sports. Picture: Getty Images.

In July 2009 Collins had told Moos, a former USA basketballer, that he was "just not sure" about their relationship and cancelled their wedding.

"There were no tangible reasons, no explanations," she said.

"During all the years I had known him, I never would have guessed that he would come out as gay.

"I wish he could have been honest with me years ago. I feel like there are two Jason's now - the man I fell in love with and the man I'm trying so hard to understand. He's being hailed as a pioneer, but I believe true heroism is a result of being honest with yourself and with those you love."

Experts say finding out your partner is gay can feel like a double betrayal.

Lyn Fletcher from Relationships Australia said being cheated on with a member of the opposite sex was highly traumatic.

"It can be a huge shock to the other partner. They will be the ones who feel that they've been living a lie," she said.

"The person who's coming out often has inklings of that well before they come out so they've had time to adjust to it. The person on the receiving end hasn't.

"They might suspect it at times ... the same way that you might when your partner's having an affair but it depends on the age group and how aware they may be that it's even a possibility."

The relationship educator of 25 years said the discovery was like a "double whammy".

"It's a betrayal of trust and of the commitment in the relationship but it's also a betrayal of who you thought that person was," she said.

"It's a huge issue and goes to the heart of who you are as a person. It challenges your own identity. For men it challenges their virility.

"A lot of women think 'I failed him in some way and not given him what he needs'. They can sometimes feel they caused it in some way and they feel they're to blame for it. They need to recognise that they're never going to be able to satisfy them."

Wedding cake topper and flowers

While there is no Australian research to show how often heterosexual relationships break down due to homosexuality, Ms Fletcher said she had counselled countless couples where one partner was conflicted about their sexuality.

"I've counselled couples like this and I've had friends who've gone through it," she said.

"In my years of counselling I've come across it often enough that it doesn't make me bat an eyelid to talk about it or counsel somebody in that situation. It's common enough."

Ms Fletcher said she saw such separations more often in mature-aged couples.

"I think the likelihood for it to occur is greater in mature-aged couples than for younger people where being homosexual is far more socially acceptable than it was 30 years ago."

"Up until the 90s there was probably a certain percentage of the population who ... went into heterosexual relationships trying to suppress the part of themselves that was actually attracted to someone of the same sex."

Twenty10 managing director Rebecca Reynolds said their gay and lesbian counselling service commonly fielded calls from confused people in heterosexual relationships.

"They would have had mostly heterosexual relationships up until that point in time," she said.

"When someone starts questioning their sexuality and they're in a committed relationship, there's often a whole heap of love there. (The relationship) is usually built over many years of shared experiences and friendship and sexuality is just one part of that."Lace on Point d'Esprit high neck wedding dresses gowns with a scalloped neckline and cap sleeves.


Ms Reynolds said there was still a lot of secrecy surrounding sexuality.

"The number of people who pick up the phone and ask for assistance is so small compared to those who don't talk or do anything about it due to that stigma," she said.

"There are feelings of guilt and betrayal towards their partner if they're in a heterosexual relationship but also towards themselves.

"We get a lot of phone calls from people who are questioning their sexuality and those who have someone say to them 'I'm attracted to someone of the same sex as me so I don't know what this means for our relationship'."

Click on their website wwww.marrybride.com for more information.